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Archive for September, 2019

 

i hear you

If I told you that lasting relationships need validation 9 out of 10 times, would you be interested in hearing more?  The author Michael Sorensen gives the reader a better insight on why the above statement is true in his book titled: I hear You.

When I first heard about this book, my knee jerk reaction was “this is great, but I already know this, maybe my husband needs to read this”.

After reading this book, the realization sunk in; I thought I was better at validation than I truly am. Women often validate other women, and women often complain that they don’t receive that kind of validation from their partners. This book will appeal to both men and women. Feeling heard, understood, and appreciated, is a gift; and that feeling comes, in large part from validation.

The author quotes an article published in Business Insider titled: Science Says Lasting Relationships come Down to 2 Basic Traits:

  1. Putting out a request for connection;
  2. 9/10 times the response is positive

The article discussed studies conducted by psychologist John Gottman who, for the previous four decades, had studied thousands of couples in an effort to figure out what makes relationships work.

For example: say you are out on a date, and one person sees a beautiful car and comments to their partner. If the partner either says nothing, or “that’s nice”, or says “I think that car is ugly”. The first person will not feel validated at all. Lasting relationships require a positive acknowledgement, although it is ok not to agree.

Gottman (the researcher) can apparently predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples -rich or poor, gay or straight, young or mature will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy, several years down the road by whether or not they follow the principles of validation.

Validation has the following benefits:

  • Be able to add a boost to others experience;
  • Be able to offer support
  • Be able to show love
  • Be able to make others feel safe
  • Avoid arguments
  • Be able to give advice that sticks
  • Be a more likeable human being
  • Have deeper relationships.

Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood (validated).

What is validation?

The act of recognizing & affirming the validity and worth of a person’s emotions. I hear you!

  1. Identifies a specific emotion;
  2. It offers justification for feeling that emotion.

Another study in 2011 showed that validation reduces the stress response

  • Decreases the recipient’ s heart rate;
  • Makes it easier to regulate emotions
  • Makes it easier to get back on track.

Things to avoid saying: don’t worry, it could be worse, be happy, stop complaining, just enjoy the journey. Often we like to give advice, but identifying the other’s emotion, and offering justification for feeling that emotion, is much more valuable. Only offer advice when either asked or given permission, after you validate first!.

When you are tempted to give advice, remember that it is difficult to move through issues when you are blinded by strong emotions, and suppressed emotions only get stronger. Validation makes you able to see the emotions for what they are, neither good or bad, and it makes it easier to process and break free to find solutions on your own.

In order to identify the other person’s emotions you might ask:

Why do you say that? Why do you feel that way?

This uncovers the root cause and makes deeper validation possible.

There are several ways in  which we can misunderstand the process of validation:

  • Only needed for negative emotions. When validating other’s good fortune, that helps to establish trust, connection, intimacy, and lowers daily conflict, increases commitment, etc.
  • You can’t validate if you don’t agree: You don’t have to agree to get the benefits from validation. You might say “I get why you feeling the way you are”. Saying something like that can keep you from talking in circles. To acknowledge is to validate.
  • Validating is simply repeating what the other person says: That would be called reflective listening, which can be useful, but also mechanical and inauthentic. Validations focuses on the emotion, not the words.

Without empathy, validation does not work. Who does not love to talk to someone who is curious about you? This probably requires that you have eye contact and are not distracted by phones, computers, etc.  The best way to develop empathy is to work on identifying your own emotions. Check in with yourself a few times a day. This builds a broader catalogue of experiences and feelings, so you can validate maybe by saying “I had a similar experience “.

In a nutshell, you could follow the four step method Sorenson lays out in his book

Four Step Method:

  1. Listen empathetically;
  2. Validate the emotion “Yes, that would upset me too”;
  3. Offer advice or assurance (if needed/asked/ or given permission);
  4. Validate again.

Of course, body language can help you a lot to try to figure out the emotion, as 70% of communication is non-verbal. Don’t forget to match their energy. Nothing worse when someone tried to validate you with a smile when you are sad.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of it all. In the book you will receive many more explanations and examples to help you understand how to implement true validation.

In conclusion, it is totally worth reading it. It might take some time to implement all the information, but I am super excited to work on giving great validation!

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Hello on this rainy early fall day!

Fall came early this year, and so come the sniffles, aches, maybe a gloomier outlook. When the days are shorter (less day light), and darker because of the rain, what can you do to continue to feel as good as you did in the summer?

umbrella.jpg

  1. Start taking your vitamin D again. Best form of vitamin D is in a liquid (fat), as vitamin A,D,E and K are absorbed best with a fat. Also, find a vitamin D3, a highly absorbable form of vitamin D. Lastly, I prefer to take D3 with K2, which both we need for our skeletal system (our bones), cardio vascular system, and immune system. Also vitamin D is important for our brain health, low vitamin D is associated with depression. We have 2 great brands at the clinic that we use: Biotics and Live Wise Naturals;
  2. Continue to do things outdoors. In the summer we are more active, which releases endorphins in our brain (that’s one reason why you feel so good). Get your raincoat/boots out and take your dog for that walk anyway (your dog will be happy). Not only do you get the endorpins, but also a nice flush to your system which helps your entire well-being. There are plenty of fun things to do when it gets colder (x-country skiing, skiing, snow shoeing, hiking, biking, running, gardening, walking, etc.);
  3. And if the weather really prevents you from going outside: join a gym, take an exercise class, do your stretches, yoga, (glo.com), or use an app on your phone (7 minute workout). Your head will thank you (for the endorphins) and your pains and aches will lessen. Then after your done, curl up with a book and a cup of tea!
  4. Tune up with an acupuncture treatment and/or a massage. Keeping your body flushed before it starts hurting is a great way to prevent problems down the road. Traditionally, the Chinese do a seasonal tune-up (minimally). Massage keeps your lymph (where are the crud hangs out) moving too;
  5. In the summer we tend eat more veggies and fruit, making our meals more colorful. Look what is in season (you can always get kale, apples, beets) and keep the colors in your diet. The colors in your veggies give us a lot of great nutrients. Plus your dinner plate should always have something green on it. Keep your immune system strong by treating your digestive system well. Your immune system is largely located in your intestines, so eat well and keep it moving. Digestion as key for health, and most of us think that having a bout of loose stool (or the opposite) is no big deal. Not true! See me for correcting any digestive issues you may have… my favorite topic and wealth of knowledge!
  6. Boost your immune system with essential oils. When your coworker sniffles get out some immune boosting essential oils. At the clinic we love doTerra’s OnGuard. You can diffuse it, put it on your body, and if you are comfortable take it internally as well. If you do get a cold, doTERRA has delicious throat drops (Breath and OnGuard).

This is the short list of what you can do to keep your summer body going. Come see us and we will help you “on your Healing Path”.

Note: next Free Essential oil class is on October 21, 2019 at 5:30pm at the clinic. Each month we delve into an essential oil and get to know it deeply.

Namaste

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