If I told you that lasting relationships need validation 9 out of 10 times, would you be interested in hearing more? The author Michael Sorensen gives the reader a better insight on why the above statement is true in his book titled: I hear You.
When I first heard about this book, my knee jerk reaction was “this is great, but I already know this, maybe my husband needs to read this”.
After reading this book, the realization sunk in; I thought I was better at validation than I truly am. Women often validate other women, and women often complain that they don’t receive that kind of validation from their partners. This book will appeal to both men and women. Feeling heard, understood, and appreciated, is a gift; and that feeling comes, in large part from validation.
The author quotes an article published in Business Insider titled: Science Says Lasting Relationships come Down to 2 Basic Traits:
- Putting out a request for connection;
- 9/10 times the response is positive
The article discussed studies conducted by psychologist John Gottman who, for the previous four decades, had studied thousands of couples in an effort to figure out what makes relationships work.
For example: say you are out on a date, and one person sees a beautiful car and comments to their partner. If the partner either says nothing, or “that’s nice”, or says “I think that car is ugly”. The first person will not feel validated at all. Lasting relationships require a positive acknowledgement, although it is ok not to agree.
Gottman (the researcher) can apparently predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples -rich or poor, gay or straight, young or mature will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy, several years down the road by whether or not they follow the principles of validation.
Validation has the following benefits:
- Be able to add a boost to others experience;
- Be able to offer support
- Be able to show love
- Be able to make others feel safe
- Avoid arguments
- Be able to give advice that sticks
- Be a more likeable human being
- Have deeper relationships.
Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood (validated).
What is validation?
The act of recognizing & affirming the validity and worth of a person’s emotions. I hear you!
- Identifies a specific emotion;
- It offers justification for feeling that emotion.
Another study in 2011 showed that validation reduces the stress response
- Decreases the recipient’ s heart rate;
- Makes it easier to regulate emotions
- Makes it easier to get back on track.
Things to avoid saying: don’t worry, it could be worse, be happy, stop complaining, just enjoy the journey. Often we like to give advice, but identifying the other’s emotion, and offering justification for feeling that emotion, is much more valuable. Only offer advice when either asked or given permission, after you validate first!.
When you are tempted to give advice, remember that it is difficult to move through issues when you are blinded by strong emotions, and suppressed emotions only get stronger. Validation makes you able to see the emotions for what they are, neither good or bad, and it makes it easier to process and break free to find solutions on your own.
In order to identify the other person’s emotions you might ask:
Why do you say that? Why do you feel that way?
This uncovers the root cause and makes deeper validation possible.
There are several ways in which we can misunderstand the process of validation:
- Only needed for negative emotions. When validating other’s good fortune, that helps to establish trust, connection, intimacy, and lowers daily conflict, increases commitment, etc.
- You can’t validate if you don’t agree: You don’t have to agree to get the benefits from validation. You might say “I get why you feeling the way you are”. Saying something like that can keep you from talking in circles. To acknowledge is to validate.
- Validating is simply repeating what the other person says: That would be called reflective listening, which can be useful, but also mechanical and inauthentic. Validations focuses on the emotion, not the words.
Without empathy, validation does not work. Who does not love to talk to someone who is curious about you? This probably requires that you have eye contact and are not distracted by phones, computers, etc. The best way to develop empathy is to work on identifying your own emotions. Check in with yourself a few times a day. This builds a broader catalogue of experiences and feelings, so you can validate maybe by saying “I had a similar experience “.
In a nutshell, you could follow the four step method Sorenson lays out in his book
Four Step Method:
- Listen empathetically;
- Validate the emotion “Yes, that would upset me too”;
- Offer advice or assurance (if needed/asked/ or given permission);
- Validate again.
Of course, body language can help you a lot to try to figure out the emotion, as 70% of communication is non-verbal. Don’t forget to match their energy. Nothing worse when someone tried to validate you with a smile when you are sad.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of it all. In the book you will receive many more explanations and examples to help you understand how to implement true validation.
In conclusion, it is totally worth reading it. It might take some time to implement all the information, but I am super excited to work on giving great validation!